craziness my to do list

So it's week 5, and this has been on my to do list and a friend reminded me so I figured now is better than later(maybe). At this point what I'll write is not as extensive as it would have been had I written when I first thought about it. Guess that's what happens when you have an 8am and have had a career fair (2 days) and 2 tests this week alone. Well here's what I will say:

- deep conversations:
to be honest I'm not sure where I first intended this to go, so for now I'm going to run this way-deep conversations always seem to come at the oddest times, for me best chance to get me going is late at night something about it, I lose any inhibitions I might have had before. In general i try to say what I mean and not sugar coat things but at times it gets pretty salty. I love deep conversations, the raw-real-emotional-often lack of knowledge-the chance to learn. I'm not the most talkative person in the world, I believe my friends may say different but I doubt that, I'm especially quiet before I know you really well. After that I'm still quiet, want to here me talk, ask me about one of my passions, or just catch me at just the right moment and I'll start spouting off. Usually I catch myself within a few minutes but not always, the giveaway is the glazed expression/shock in other people's eyes that makes me realize I've rambled.

- relationships, maybe: ooh such a tough subject, not crazy about it. It's such a wide and varied topic. You have to be soo careful even with friendships just to avoid being misconstrued and/or hurting the progress you've made. Ok after writing the other 3 topics I'm going to leave this one for some other time though no guarantees.

- not being involved officially, means no involvement: this is a feeling I struggle with sometimes. For the past several years, I've been involved(meaning mtgs attendance required and such) on campus, this year as my last year I decided not to be in a leadership role. As a senior, the transition from out of college and such starts soo early (career fair in fall, for potential full-time jobs next year). It's so odd, I wish I could still feel like a college kid and not as one getting ready to work full time. I've partially done this to myself by working part-time for my co-op company while I take classes. I'm not great at attending/feeling involved when it's not required/scheduled. ...a friend just reminded me about how our roles have changed as we've become the seniors it's harder to feel like there is someone older and wiser to gain/learn from. It's not that the "kids" underclassmen can't teach us things; it's that we always want someone to mirror and carve the path for. The amazing classes above us did that, though I never paid attention to how they made it through their senior years(I wish I had). I bet if I asked them they struggled with the same things too, though I would never have guessed it.

- raw, what we think we're alone in: struggling with, thinking about, wondering, doubting, etc.: ok, I remember on this one where I wanted to go, though I'm not sure how to convey it. It's always almost shocking(for lack of a better word) everytime I(we) here other people be completely honest about something there struggling with and I(we) never thought anyone else dealt with that. I guess it all stems from the fact I want to hide all my fears and failures(yes I realize that's in a song). What would it be like/how different would it be if I realized/let everyone see(s) my brokeness? Would people still be around, if they realized I struggle with this(see I don't even have guts to admit anything right now)? All I can hope is that someone will provide the "gift" of going first, so I can concur with them and encourage them that they are not alone. Is it considered "deep" conversations when we discuss our struggles? If we did it all the time, would it become a my horse is bigger than your horse or would they become as fleeting as our passing hellos? I can only hope and pray that I remain true to my name and am honest/truthful in all I say.

PS. listening to certain random songs on youtube/google, make me happy and laugh.