March...Exasperated

Exasperation that is what I'm feeling right now. (This post will count for March's post, in theory I'll get another one up in April.) It's storming outside right now and part of me is hoping it'll shut the streets down so tomorrow I can just stay home and maybe get some stuff done, to bad what all I need to get done involves driving places. I hate feeling like I'm not able to get anything done. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a temporary place I much prefer to be settled. I hate packing but love the feeling of being totally unpacked and prefer to do it as fast as possible if not in one sitting so I can have it over with. This whole period of moving back home, starting a "new" job, and "attempting" wedding planning is killing me. I can't tell you the last time I made it through a week without feeling exasperated at some point. My church talked about rest as a spiritual command this Sunday, I get it I've seen/experienced the benefits but I feel like I can't find it lately, there's simply too much that should've been done yesterday.
Probably two biggest sources of frustration are:

- Wedding Planning (or rather lack thereof) - I normally enjoy planning and find it easy, this for some reason is impossible. Having to plan around everyone's schedule's is getting annoying. Not finding anything I really really like is blah. The advice I keep hearing is "do what you want" that's fine and dandy but unrealistic. What I want doesn't seem to exist. (Also, no one answers phones outside of business hours, why does our society not have rotated time schedules so not everyone is at work at the same time.) All I feel is overwhelmed when I even hear weddings mentioned anymore. In theory I could be within 3 months of getting married and all I have is my Man and a dress (which technical is not in my possession yet, it's been ordered twice now). I've given up on looking at magazines and websites it's not fun. All I want is not fancy just simple and fun. Why does the process to get there have to be so miserable? As another of my engaged friends mentioned people who don't normally cry, cry at their weddings from the shear relief that it's all over.

- Work - I honestly enjoy what I do most of the time but the long hours are wearing on me (40+ avg about 45 hrs/wk with an additional min. 1.5 hr commute time everyday). There is some small amount of cussing that happens and I've noticed I'm starting to pick up the habit too. It's the negativity that is creeping in that I'm not happy about, stuff happens, mistakes happen. "Success is never final; failure is never fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill Not a perfect quote but I'm well aware I'm so afraid to fail that I won't take risks or push myself enough. My self-confidence is not where it should be, blame the realist in me. Another area is that sometimes I feel as if I have nothing in common with my co-workers and for some reason am awful at small talk. I don't know why but lately I've thought about how awkward I can be and socially inept.

This exasperation is killing me because I know I'm not the best I could be right now and often my fiance, family, and friends have to deal with the crappy leftovers. It sucks. I'm sorry!

FYI Wedding I want:
Simple, under 200 people, fun. Celebratory not uber serious. (It's a big commitment but not a death sentence or shouldn't be.) I imagine walking down a simple aisle with my Dad towards my Love. Small bouquets of orange-yellow-red flowers (I'd love anything wildflower-esque), my favorite flowers are marigolds and honeysuckle. Bridesmaids in pretty blue (preferably cerulean or teal) tea length dresses, silver comfy shoes. One of our friends to marry us, communion with another friend playing one song during that. Pictures outside with everyone. Lots of candid fun shots. Dancing. Reception preferably nearby. Guest go ahead and begin eating buffet style no huge meals. First dance, Daddy-daughter, mother-son, line dances, everyone party, people eat, chat, laugh, goof-off. General Merriment :)! Toasts, bouquet toss, garter toss, a couple more dances, exit to sparklers/bubbles and a car decorated. Leave married and celebrate! Food should be lite and delicious: chicken nugget trays, finger sandwiches, Cakes (chocolate & cheesecake), cookies, mason jars (of coke, lemonade and sweet tea), fruit, etc. Decorations should be minimal maybe a mason jar with a couple flowers at each table surrounded by shells from my family's collection. Favor: something memorable/meaningful: seashell (beach where he proposed and we got our start of sorts), cd of (swing dance music), or...

Well, once again I'm up way to late. :( I've vented enough for tonight I think.