March...Exasperated

Exasperation that is what I'm feeling right now. (This post will count for March's post, in theory I'll get another one up in April.) It's storming outside right now and part of me is hoping it'll shut the streets down so tomorrow I can just stay home and maybe get some stuff done, to bad what all I need to get done involves driving places. I hate feeling like I'm not able to get anything done. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a temporary place I much prefer to be settled. I hate packing but love the feeling of being totally unpacked and prefer to do it as fast as possible if not in one sitting so I can have it over with. This whole period of moving back home, starting a "new" job, and "attempting" wedding planning is killing me. I can't tell you the last time I made it through a week without feeling exasperated at some point. My church talked about rest as a spiritual command this Sunday, I get it I've seen/experienced the benefits but I feel like I can't find it lately, there's simply too much that should've been done yesterday.
Probably two biggest sources of frustration are:

- Wedding Planning (or rather lack thereof) - I normally enjoy planning and find it easy, this for some reason is impossible. Having to plan around everyone's schedule's is getting annoying. Not finding anything I really really like is blah. The advice I keep hearing is "do what you want" that's fine and dandy but unrealistic. What I want doesn't seem to exist. (Also, no one answers phones outside of business hours, why does our society not have rotated time schedules so not everyone is at work at the same time.) All I feel is overwhelmed when I even hear weddings mentioned anymore. In theory I could be within 3 months of getting married and all I have is my Man and a dress (which technical is not in my possession yet, it's been ordered twice now). I've given up on looking at magazines and websites it's not fun. All I want is not fancy just simple and fun. Why does the process to get there have to be so miserable? As another of my engaged friends mentioned people who don't normally cry, cry at their weddings from the shear relief that it's all over.

- Work - I honestly enjoy what I do most of the time but the long hours are wearing on me (40+ avg about 45 hrs/wk with an additional min. 1.5 hr commute time everyday). There is some small amount of cussing that happens and I've noticed I'm starting to pick up the habit too. It's the negativity that is creeping in that I'm not happy about, stuff happens, mistakes happen. "Success is never final; failure is never fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill Not a perfect quote but I'm well aware I'm so afraid to fail that I won't take risks or push myself enough. My self-confidence is not where it should be, blame the realist in me. Another area is that sometimes I feel as if I have nothing in common with my co-workers and for some reason am awful at small talk. I don't know why but lately I've thought about how awkward I can be and socially inept.

This exasperation is killing me because I know I'm not the best I could be right now and often my fiance, family, and friends have to deal with the crappy leftovers. It sucks. I'm sorry!

FYI Wedding I want:
Simple, under 200 people, fun. Celebratory not uber serious. (It's a big commitment but not a death sentence or shouldn't be.) I imagine walking down a simple aisle with my Dad towards my Love. Small bouquets of orange-yellow-red flowers (I'd love anything wildflower-esque), my favorite flowers are marigolds and honeysuckle. Bridesmaids in pretty blue (preferably cerulean or teal) tea length dresses, silver comfy shoes. One of our friends to marry us, communion with another friend playing one song during that. Pictures outside with everyone. Lots of candid fun shots. Dancing. Reception preferably nearby. Guest go ahead and begin eating buffet style no huge meals. First dance, Daddy-daughter, mother-son, line dances, everyone party, people eat, chat, laugh, goof-off. General Merriment :)! Toasts, bouquet toss, garter toss, a couple more dances, exit to sparklers/bubbles and a car decorated. Leave married and celebrate! Food should be lite and delicious: chicken nugget trays, finger sandwiches, Cakes (chocolate & cheesecake), cookies, mason jars (of coke, lemonade and sweet tea), fruit, etc. Decorations should be minimal maybe a mason jar with a couple flowers at each table surrounded by shells from my family's collection. Favor: something memorable/meaningful: seashell (beach where he proposed and we got our start of sorts), cd of (swing dance music), or...

Well, once again I'm up way to late. :( I've vented enough for tonight I think.

last minute February

aaahhh! woo just squeaking in February.
I feel like life is so busy right now though I know when I break it down it's not. My life right now is work and trying to spend time with friends and my fiance'. I have good news that I'm back in the same town as my fiance' and have a full time engineering position to boot! I feel like there's so much to do and I want to do but I don't know how to accomplish it all. I need to plan a wedding (which by the way I don't think it's as much fun as people say it is). I want to call friends. I need to tie up loose ends in my other state. I want to start another blog but I know it's time-intensive. I want to read the stack of books in my room. This year is flying by so fast, in ways I wish it would go faster I want to skip to the I'm married part. Other points though I need it to crawl so I can accomplish things.
Work-life balance is hard and especially so for the company/career I've chosen. I never thought it'd be this difficult. I feel bad that I will need to take-off a lot of time this year but I almost wish I could take more. Life's funny that way.
Being at a friends wedding this past weekend reminded me how different things were in college and how friends/acquaintances change.
I need to get back to "doing" stuff.

Stress from Jan. 9

blarg... I'm in a funk right now.

ok 2010 recap:
- study abroad
- graduate
- engaged
- ...

I don't know what to think right now. I feel like I have so much to do and no time.
- Wedding Planning
- get out of debt
- future plan
- learn program
- get hired full-time
-

....

December the end of an intense year

To maintain my count this will count as the 13th post for 2010, sorry it didn't make it up in December.
My a lot has happened when I start thinking about 2010... that recap will have to wait for another post.

I recently was shown this song by Aaron Strumpel.

Your word turned darkness into light
You spoke, and brought stars to life
And all our days began at the sound of your voice

Your word turned waters into seas
You spoke, and brought oceans to be
And all our days began at the sound of your voice

Your word turns sorrow into joy
You speak, and make my heart explode
And all our days begin at the sound of your voice

Your word turns death into dreams
You speak, and make my eyes to see
And all of our days begin at the sound of your voice

And everything is good
All you do is good
We resound
We testify
When you sound, we resound
When you sound, we resound your praise

Hope you like it!
Maybe I'll post again when I'm not already several hours past when I should be asleep and still haven't gotten anything done, so unprepared, arg.