March...Exasperated

Exasperation that is what I'm feeling right now. (This post will count for March's post, in theory I'll get another one up in April.) It's storming outside right now and part of me is hoping it'll shut the streets down so tomorrow I can just stay home and maybe get some stuff done, to bad what all I need to get done involves driving places. I hate feeling like I'm not able to get anything done. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a temporary place I much prefer to be settled. I hate packing but love the feeling of being totally unpacked and prefer to do it as fast as possible if not in one sitting so I can have it over with. This whole period of moving back home, starting a "new" job, and "attempting" wedding planning is killing me. I can't tell you the last time I made it through a week without feeling exasperated at some point. My church talked about rest as a spiritual command this Sunday, I get it I've seen/experienced the benefits but I feel like I can't find it lately, there's simply too much that should've been done yesterday.
Probably two biggest sources of frustration are:

- Wedding Planning (or rather lack thereof) - I normally enjoy planning and find it easy, this for some reason is impossible. Having to plan around everyone's schedule's is getting annoying. Not finding anything I really really like is blah. The advice I keep hearing is "do what you want" that's fine and dandy but unrealistic. What I want doesn't seem to exist. (Also, no one answers phones outside of business hours, why does our society not have rotated time schedules so not everyone is at work at the same time.) All I feel is overwhelmed when I even hear weddings mentioned anymore. In theory I could be within 3 months of getting married and all I have is my Man and a dress (which technical is not in my possession yet, it's been ordered twice now). I've given up on looking at magazines and websites it's not fun. All I want is not fancy just simple and fun. Why does the process to get there have to be so miserable? As another of my engaged friends mentioned people who don't normally cry, cry at their weddings from the shear relief that it's all over.

- Work - I honestly enjoy what I do most of the time but the long hours are wearing on me (40+ avg about 45 hrs/wk with an additional min. 1.5 hr commute time everyday). There is some small amount of cussing that happens and I've noticed I'm starting to pick up the habit too. It's the negativity that is creeping in that I'm not happy about, stuff happens, mistakes happen. "Success is never final; failure is never fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill Not a perfect quote but I'm well aware I'm so afraid to fail that I won't take risks or push myself enough. My self-confidence is not where it should be, blame the realist in me. Another area is that sometimes I feel as if I have nothing in common with my co-workers and for some reason am awful at small talk. I don't know why but lately I've thought about how awkward I can be and socially inept.

This exasperation is killing me because I know I'm not the best I could be right now and often my fiance, family, and friends have to deal with the crappy leftovers. It sucks. I'm sorry!

FYI Wedding I want:
Simple, under 200 people, fun. Celebratory not uber serious. (It's a big commitment but not a death sentence or shouldn't be.) I imagine walking down a simple aisle with my Dad towards my Love. Small bouquets of orange-yellow-red flowers (I'd love anything wildflower-esque), my favorite flowers are marigolds and honeysuckle. Bridesmaids in pretty blue (preferably cerulean or teal) tea length dresses, silver comfy shoes. One of our friends to marry us, communion with another friend playing one song during that. Pictures outside with everyone. Lots of candid fun shots. Dancing. Reception preferably nearby. Guest go ahead and begin eating buffet style no huge meals. First dance, Daddy-daughter, mother-son, line dances, everyone party, people eat, chat, laugh, goof-off. General Merriment :)! Toasts, bouquet toss, garter toss, a couple more dances, exit to sparklers/bubbles and a car decorated. Leave married and celebrate! Food should be lite and delicious: chicken nugget trays, finger sandwiches, Cakes (chocolate & cheesecake), cookies, mason jars (of coke, lemonade and sweet tea), fruit, etc. Decorations should be minimal maybe a mason jar with a couple flowers at each table surrounded by shells from my family's collection. Favor: something memorable/meaningful: seashell (beach where he proposed and we got our start of sorts), cd of (swing dance music), or...

Well, once again I'm up way to late. :( I've vented enough for tonight I think.

last minute February

aaahhh! woo just squeaking in February.
I feel like life is so busy right now though I know when I break it down it's not. My life right now is work and trying to spend time with friends and my fiance'. I have good news that I'm back in the same town as my fiance' and have a full time engineering position to boot! I feel like there's so much to do and I want to do but I don't know how to accomplish it all. I need to plan a wedding (which by the way I don't think it's as much fun as people say it is). I want to call friends. I need to tie up loose ends in my other state. I want to start another blog but I know it's time-intensive. I want to read the stack of books in my room. This year is flying by so fast, in ways I wish it would go faster I want to skip to the I'm married part. Other points though I need it to crawl so I can accomplish things.
Work-life balance is hard and especially so for the company/career I've chosen. I never thought it'd be this difficult. I feel bad that I will need to take-off a lot of time this year but I almost wish I could take more. Life's funny that way.
Being at a friends wedding this past weekend reminded me how different things were in college and how friends/acquaintances change.
I need to get back to "doing" stuff.

Stress from Jan. 9

blarg... I'm in a funk right now.

ok 2010 recap:
- study abroad
- graduate
- engaged
- ...

I don't know what to think right now. I feel like I have so much to do and no time.
- Wedding Planning
- get out of debt
- future plan
- learn program
- get hired full-time
-

....

December the end of an intense year

To maintain my count this will count as the 13th post for 2010, sorry it didn't make it up in December.
My a lot has happened when I start thinking about 2010... that recap will have to wait for another post.

I recently was shown this song by Aaron Strumpel.

Your word turned darkness into light
You spoke, and brought stars to life
And all our days began at the sound of your voice

Your word turned waters into seas
You spoke, and brought oceans to be
And all our days began at the sound of your voice

Your word turns sorrow into joy
You speak, and make my heart explode
And all our days begin at the sound of your voice

Your word turns death into dreams
You speak, and make my eyes to see
And all of our days begin at the sound of your voice

And everything is good
All you do is good
We resound
We testify
When you sound, we resound
When you sound, we resound your praise

Hope you like it!
Maybe I'll post again when I'm not already several hours past when I should be asleep and still haven't gotten anything done, so unprepared, arg.

This was November ....Piece of the Story

Wow,another month I've missed writing for. but at least my track record overall is decent(13 per year crazy that I've kept it up for that long). Writing is not my forte or something I particularly enjoy, it's always more of a struggle. I don't really know why I write this, oh well. I'm not sure where the last post left off (sorry I didn't bother looking) but I had a pretty significant event happen in my life in November.
I'm engaged!
The story: We'd been dating for a year steady and decided to celebrate by going on a weekend trip to get out of the city. For fun, my Fiancé decided to surprise me as to where we were going. I didn't ask a lot of questions ahead of time because I was enjoying the adventuresome nature of the surprise. That said I way over-packed(this is a normal tendency anyway but was exaggerated by not knowing where I'd be going or what I'd be doing)! When we started on the road, I let loose with questions trying to gain some hint of where we were going; he was almost annoyingly good at not giving anything away. About halfway we get on this one highway that I know goes to where one of my closet friends lives and one other town that I could think of. So I ask some other defining questions that I thought for sure would lead to at least one yes, I was wrong. I was very very confused, there is nothing else on this highway that I could remember. I fell silent racking my brain for some piece of geography I was missing. Right as I was about to give-up(I'd begun to think he just told me no to throw me off/confuse me) after 15 minutes or so the proverbial light-bulb went off. I of course asked if the place was it and he said "maybe" in his way that meant yes. This confirmation got me to thinking about how this place was kind of significant for us as being something more than friends all the way back in 2006(yes it's really been that long). Neither of us had really been to that specific location since 07. We'd been a town away last year. The siginifcance of the place got my mind wandering down the path of maybe it'll be this weekend(we had previously discussed a tiemframe to get engaged) but I quickly stopped that thought because I knew it would come at the right moment and I wanted to be surprised(I was). We get there and I'm excited the concierge even made a comment when we checked into our rooms. I made the comment that I was happy to be at the beach, away from the city, and not at work. (Little did the concierge or I know that I would have even more reason to be excited that weekend!) We drop off our stuff and head out for a walk on the beach. It was a beautiful clear fairly warm afternoon for mid/end of November. It was really nice and relaxing. After a little bit we head back in, clean-up, and went to explore the area. We found the local mini-golf and played a nice, fun, and challenging round. I'm normally awful and he is really good, but I'm very excited to say I got not 1 but 2 holes in one! He still ended up beating him but I tied him on the back nine. Alright back to the story. After mini-golf there was a playground next door and I'm a sucker for swings so we swung for a few minutes because it's just fun to be a kid. Next we went to find a place for dinner, we ended up at a local restaurant that we had eaten at the 2 years we were there for retreats. Last we headed back to the hotel grabbed jackets and went for a moonlit walk on the beach. (I guess this is where the story really begins but the whole weekend was amazing.) The night was perfect (I'd say picture but you can't capture those kind of evenings) It was cool and breezy, full-moon, gentle-waves crashing, white sand, got it pictured? Good, now think 10 times better. We start walking along enjoying the time spending with each other and he begins to say things. It starts to become a blur but I remember he said that: "You know most people wait their whole lives to find someone to spend it with and I'm so glad to have found you already." (heart melting? good, mine was too, still is) We paused for a moment and he said "I know we agreed not to get gifts for our anniversary but I have one for you and I think you know what it is." (At this point yes I did) He reached in his pocket pulled out a ring and said "I'm going to get down on one knee .. (he does) .. Will you marry me?" I'm not sure exactly what I said but I know the all important "Yes" was there. Then he said "so how do I do this? Which hand/finger?" Me: "This one" (helps him get it on the correct one) He stands up we hug and celebrate! I don't know if I can describe how happy I was/am and his face had probably one of the biggest/best smiles I've ever seen from him which only made me happier! The rest of the evening was spent in relishing the moment, calling important people in our lives, retelling the story, and then crashing.
If this is not a detailed enough account of the story, I'm sorry maybe if you asked questions it would trigger things I forgot or didn't think you'd be interested (such as what we ate or were wearing).
I'm tapped out on writing for now, enjoy!

Another month

Living in a new city, check. Learning a new job, check. Trying something new, check. Missing family, check. Missing boyfriend, check. Missing friends, check. Missing my horse, check. Regretting moving, not at all. It hasn't been easy but I'm glad to be trying this adventure. It's made me think about the future a lot and what I really want out of life. No definite conclusions as of yet. It's evident though that any decisions now will certainly have a ripple effect on the rest of my life.

This from my last blog still stands: "I know this job is what I need to do it'll be a great learning experience not only education-wise but also spiritually. I will be forced even more to depend on my Savior."

Side note: I've read several books over the past week and it felt so nice and natural. Read: I read for fun because I wanted to, amazing!

I'm not sure what else to say, I really just wanted to have a post for October before it was over.

This is simply beautiful:
http://debrablack.wordpress.com/2010/10/27/for-my-dad/

New Life Imminent

So once again not in a real writing mindset but still here it goes.
In 4 days, I'm moving to a new state to start my first full-time career after college. My room is a mess and not nearly packed as I had hoped. I haven't been able to get all I've wanted accomplished. At the moment I'm kinda out of it. (Brief rabbit trail: I discovered yesterday that I'm allergic to another form of medicine, sulfa. This involved being so itchy all over my body I wanted to tear my skin off. The medicine they gave me made me want to crawl the walls, I was so restless and miserable. I spent about 4 hours at the after-hours doctors office then was transferred to the hospital by ambulance because I wasn't showing enough improvement to go home. I then spent another several hours there. That experience was awful. Today I've been just tired all day stupid medicine. end trail)
So back to moving, Yes I'm excited but I'm also a little sad, scared, and nervous. It'll be awesome to be on my own, meet new people, and explore a new city. As much as those are awesome they are kind of a bummer as well: I'm not exactly a people person but I like to be near people (I think this is also why I always have music on besides the fact I love music), I love my friends I have now and we'll miss seeing them often, and exploring a new city can be overwhelming for me on my own. Did I mention I'm leaving my boyfriend here? 6 months is a long time though not that long at least that's what I keep reminding myself. We survived me being in Europe for the summer and have no doubt we can and will survive this, it'll just be tough. I know how much I missed him while I was on my trip (he's my best friend and I love him.) which makes me not look forward to feeling that again. I know this job is what I need to do it'll be a great learning experience not only education-wise but also spiritually. I will be forced even more to depend on my Savior. I'm excited about this because this is a huge area I struggle with. I tend to be extremely self-sufficient. I know this causes problems not only in my relationship with God but with my friends and family as well. I'm sorry when it does and sometimes I don't realize when it's becoming an issue until to late. To those I've hurt I'm sorry.
Ok, maybe that was a bit deeper/sad than y'all wanted to read, oops. But I guess I was in a writing mood and need to get it off my chest.